Tuesday

I went to se grandpa last night. I got a surprise when I arrived at my parent's house. He is still running a very high fever, and since mom removed the "Life Support" they will not try to discover the source of the fever, so since he is awake and talking though it is just delirious ramblings I believe they are goign to try and get a feeding tube in him some how and perhaps run tests to see what is causing the fever. I don't feel that he is really in there as he didn't really seem to know who I was or who my dad and daughter were. He never wanted to live on life support or as a vegetable so I do not know what my mom intends on doing. I don't want to lose hime, but if he doesn't know who I am or anyone else then he is really just an empty shell. I know he wants to go be with grandma and I told him good-bye last evening, gave him a kiss, and told him that if he wanted to go be with her that I understand and I am letting him go. Seeing him last night like that was harder than seeing him with all of the tubes in his mouth and iv's in his arms laying there peacefully. I didnt' see grandpa in him, just looked like grandpa. For me it is hard to admit that I am ready to let him go. I don't really have too much experience with death's of close family members. I am almost 37 and I have one grandpa and one grandma still here with us. I was blessed to know two of my great gradnmothers, and I was 15 when the first one of those passed away. Not very common, but people tend to live into the late 80's to mid 90's in both sides of my family. Grandpa is 85 right now and grandma is in her 90's. Like I said I do not want to see him go but neither do I wish to see him suffer, and it just seemed like that was what he was doing last evening when I saw him.