Sad Days ahead

Well grandpa passed away yesterday morning. I knew it was coming, but it didn't make the shock of it any easier. I know he is happy. He wanted to be with grandma again and so he is. The calling hours are Sunday and Monday and then the funeral is monday morning. Trying to explain this to DD has been hard. She knows they are in heaven, but that is about it. She just can't fathom why. Her last day of school is today. I am really going to miss that. I signed up for summer scrapfest to catch up on everything, and i am hoping to get some of it accomplished. I only did one month so far as I need to see what this summer entails. I know I am goign to go help my mom clean and sort through grandpa's house so she can put it up for sale in a few months. I know we are getting a lot of their formal furniture for our house, so there will be moving around and such here as well.I took last evening off since I didn't feel up to goign in but I am goign to work tonight and tomorrow. If I keep myself mentally busy I am less likely to dwell on that fact that he is no longer here. I am glad I got to say a final good-bye as well as allie got to say her final good-bye on monday. I will miss him a great deal.

Tuesday

I went to se grandpa last night. I got a surprise when I arrived at my parent's house. He is still running a very high fever, and since mom removed the "Life Support" they will not try to discover the source of the fever, so since he is awake and talking though it is just delirious ramblings I believe they are goign to try and get a feeding tube in him some how and perhaps run tests to see what is causing the fever. I don't feel that he is really in there as he didn't really seem to know who I was or who my dad and daughter were. He never wanted to live on life support or as a vegetable so I do not know what my mom intends on doing. I don't want to lose hime, but if he doesn't know who I am or anyone else then he is really just an empty shell. I know he wants to go be with grandma and I told him good-bye last evening, gave him a kiss, and told him that if he wanted to go be with her that I understand and I am letting him go. Seeing him last night like that was harder than seeing him with all of the tubes in his mouth and iv's in his arms laying there peacefully. I didnt' see grandpa in him, just looked like grandpa. For me it is hard to admit that I am ready to let him go. I don't really have too much experience with death's of close family members. I am almost 37 and I have one grandpa and one grandma still here with us. I was blessed to know two of my great gradnmothers, and I was 15 when the first one of those passed away. Not very common, but people tend to live into the late 80's to mid 90's in both sides of my family. Grandpa is 85 right now and grandma is in her 90's. Like I said I do not want to see him go but neither do I wish to see him suffer, and it just seemed like that was what he was doing last evening when I saw him.

June 1st

Well they removed the ventilator Friday morning from Grandpa. He appears to be in no pain and is resting easy, but there is no response from him. The doctor tells us that it could be a matter of days or weeks, he is not sure. They have provisions for him if the pain becomes unbearable. I went to see him Thursday evening and he looked a lot better then he did on Sunday, and my mom said he seems at peace and looks like himself now. Right now it is just a matter of time. I am trying to reconcile this, but it is so hard. I know he had no desire to be a vegetable or hooked up to life support, so this is what he wants, but it is still hard to let him go. My dad too my daughter down this weekend to see him since they moved him to a different room and he is allowed younger visitors. I think everyone has said good-bye except her so I am hoping that he is waiting for her to tell him good-bye. She is going to miss him. She still talks about Great Mama and is trying so hard to understand what death is. It is hard even for a normal child, but one with Autism is a little harder to explain things to.
Summer scrapfest started yesterday on lifetime moments. I wasn't going to sign up because of all that was going on, but this will get me motivated to get my albums caught up. I have hundreds of pictures sitting here needing done. I am just not wanting to, but I have gotten 3 pages done and earned 103 unconfirmed points towards my 200. I am excited. I will work on them some more tomorrow. Right now I am enjoying my alone time. DH is at work until 5:00, the stepson and his fiance and baby are in North carolina, and my DD is at my parents until my Dh gets home tonight. I have to go in to work at 4:00 but still I have 4 hours to do nothing but relax and enjoy the quiet. Have a great day, I know I will!!