Sad Days ahead

Well grandpa passed away yesterday morning. I knew it was coming, but it didn't make the shock of it any easier. I know he is happy. He wanted to be with grandma again and so he is. The calling hours are Sunday and Monday and then the funeral is monday morning. Trying to explain this to DD has been hard. She knows they are in heaven, but that is about it. She just can't fathom why. Her last day of school is today. I am really going to miss that. I signed up for summer scrapfest to catch up on everything, and i am hoping to get some of it accomplished. I only did one month so far as I need to see what this summer entails. I know I am goign to go help my mom clean and sort through grandpa's house so she can put it up for sale in a few months. I know we are getting a lot of their formal furniture for our house, so there will be moving around and such here as well.I took last evening off since I didn't feel up to goign in but I am goign to work tonight and tomorrow. If I keep myself mentally busy I am less likely to dwell on that fact that he is no longer here. I am glad I got to say a final good-bye as well as allie got to say her final good-bye on monday. I will miss him a great deal.

Tuesday

I went to se grandpa last night. I got a surprise when I arrived at my parent's house. He is still running a very high fever, and since mom removed the "Life Support" they will not try to discover the source of the fever, so since he is awake and talking though it is just delirious ramblings I believe they are goign to try and get a feeding tube in him some how and perhaps run tests to see what is causing the fever. I don't feel that he is really in there as he didn't really seem to know who I was or who my dad and daughter were. He never wanted to live on life support or as a vegetable so I do not know what my mom intends on doing. I don't want to lose hime, but if he doesn't know who I am or anyone else then he is really just an empty shell. I know he wants to go be with grandma and I told him good-bye last evening, gave him a kiss, and told him that if he wanted to go be with her that I understand and I am letting him go. Seeing him last night like that was harder than seeing him with all of the tubes in his mouth and iv's in his arms laying there peacefully. I didnt' see grandpa in him, just looked like grandpa. For me it is hard to admit that I am ready to let him go. I don't really have too much experience with death's of close family members. I am almost 37 and I have one grandpa and one grandma still here with us. I was blessed to know two of my great gradnmothers, and I was 15 when the first one of those passed away. Not very common, but people tend to live into the late 80's to mid 90's in both sides of my family. Grandpa is 85 right now and grandma is in her 90's. Like I said I do not want to see him go but neither do I wish to see him suffer, and it just seemed like that was what he was doing last evening when I saw him.

June 1st

Well they removed the ventilator Friday morning from Grandpa. He appears to be in no pain and is resting easy, but there is no response from him. The doctor tells us that it could be a matter of days or weeks, he is not sure. They have provisions for him if the pain becomes unbearable. I went to see him Thursday evening and he looked a lot better then he did on Sunday, and my mom said he seems at peace and looks like himself now. Right now it is just a matter of time. I am trying to reconcile this, but it is so hard. I know he had no desire to be a vegetable or hooked up to life support, so this is what he wants, but it is still hard to let him go. My dad too my daughter down this weekend to see him since they moved him to a different room and he is allowed younger visitors. I think everyone has said good-bye except her so I am hoping that he is waiting for her to tell him good-bye. She is going to miss him. She still talks about Great Mama and is trying so hard to understand what death is. It is hard even for a normal child, but one with Autism is a little harder to explain things to.
Summer scrapfest started yesterday on lifetime moments. I wasn't going to sign up because of all that was going on, but this will get me motivated to get my albums caught up. I have hundreds of pictures sitting here needing done. I am just not wanting to, but I have gotten 3 pages done and earned 103 unconfirmed points towards my 200. I am excited. I will work on them some more tomorrow. Right now I am enjoying my alone time. DH is at work until 5:00, the stepson and his fiance and baby are in North carolina, and my DD is at my parents until my Dh gets home tonight. I have to go in to work at 4:00 but still I have 4 hours to do nothing but relax and enjoy the quiet. Have a great day, I know I will!!

Another Day

Well today starts a busy few days. I am going to see my parents tonight and then over to the hospital to see Grandpa. Mom told me that they want her to think about removing him from the ventilator. That could mean saying good-bye. She asked that she be given the weekend to decide and to see if there will be any positive changes. If nothing happens and no changes occur then I may be facing the moment that I am dreading. It was hard when grandma passed 17 months ago and it is still hard to think about her without crying. I know that grandpa wants to see her again and I know that it was inevitable, I just was hoping that the time would be in the distant future. I am trying to reconcile myself to what is gogint o be happening soon, but I just can't seem to do that. I keep praying that it is a nightmare and that I will see grandpa at my parents house tonight for dinner.
Tomorrow is my daughters reading awards ceremony. DH and I are going to that in the afternoon and then I work in the evening. Saturday DH has to work and my Dad is pickign up DD and keeping her until late Sunday evening. I am going to get some scrapping in if possbile for Summer Scrapfest at Lifetime Moments, and go walking through one of our area parks with a friend. Sunday I work and then I am off again for two days if not a week depending on how things are with grandpa.
My stepson and his fiance and the granddaughter are going out of town until late Tuesday evening so that means the house will be quiet as a church during the day when DD is at school and DH is at work. I will relish those moments. Too few left before school is out for the summer. Well I think i need to get off of here. I am working on altering some binder clips for a swap and I would like to get those done before DD gets home and we have to leave. Have a wonderful day everyone.

It just keeps coming!

Well still trying to deal with the ignorant people in my life, I got the call that I most feared. My sister in law called to tell me that my grandpa was in teh hospital and no one was sure what was goign on or how he was doing since my parents were out of town and had the power of attorney to speak to the doctors. We had to wait all day Sunday and until late sunday evening for my parents to get back from Tennessee to see him and to find out what the doctors had found. We know that he fell down the steps, and we are not sure how long he was laying there unconscious and barely breathing till my brother and his wife found him. Right now they have him heavily sedated and are hoping that the bleeding in his brain has stopped. They are hoping to have him out of the sedatives by the end of the week to see how much physical damage has been done to his brain. This is a crushing blow for me as I lost my grandma 17 months ago and have still not recovered fully from that. They were married for what would have been 64 years this October. He has been having a rough time as well and we thought that he was doing great until he fell at his church a month ago and refused to see a doctor. The neurosurgeon seems to think that started this and he has been falling ever since but refusing to tell anyone for fear of being placed in a rest home. The nurse told my parents and I Sunday evening that he was probably hearing us and that they believe he has brain activity because if you told him to do something he would try it, but he was so heavily sedated that he was unable to respond verbally or open his eyes. Please spare a few thoughts and prayers for my grandpa. I told him it was not time for him to go, that there was still things needing to be done here before he got to go see grandma. Let's hope that he heard and will come out of this.

Ignorant people

I am so furious and upset at this point in time that I am not sure what I am capable of. I was told last evening that a fellow co-worker has been saying nasty things about me. I can deal with that. I believe in Karma. What I can't deal with is when she brings my Autistic daughter into this and calls her retarded and blames me for that. Says I don't spend enough time with her. I am just so furious! What right does this person have to say such nasty things. I have never done anything to my knowledge to warrant such a ficious attack. I am torn between letting it go and confronting her. I am just afraid that I will do something that I regret if I have to be near her, and I do tomorrow for an hour of my shift. I am so furious I am shaking and crying at the same time. I have a meeting today with the store manager and I am going to hold nothing back. Karma be damned at this point in time!!

Monday

So sorry it has been a while. Last week was just so hectic. I was cleaning house and then DH and I went boat shopping on friday and saturday DD and i worked on altering cd's for a swap that I am hostessing. I have i think 4 more cd's in total to get done and then I am taking a sabbatical. I need to focus on scrapping the 6 months of pictures sitting here. I also want to focus all of my attention on the Wishblading Well DT. I am goign to hopefully finish up my swap items by tomorrow evening or Wednesday at the latest then I am goign to sit down and sketch some layouts out and hopefully work on those this week as well. I am waiting patiently for the next DT assignment. I am looking forward to this one. I am hoping that they get it done soon. I love to plan layouts around the cutter files. Well I need to get going. I need to get some ideas together for my 4 cd's.